Faltered

Today was just another day. I helped a damsel in distress in the morning, slept a bit, and then headed out to lunch and my monthly meeting with my fellow entrepreneurs from the CEO roundtable.

They had their smoke breaks, and I stayed inside, sucking on an XXL Chupa Chups. Yup, felt the need, but chose not to capitalise on it. After that, I went for a voice over audition at Purplehaus studio, and found myself outside with the guys, as they smoked and chatted.

And then I reached for one. It was a pack of Dunhill Lights, and it was right next to my hand.

And I lit it. I won't lie... I smoked it right to the bud, and talked to the guys outside like I used to before last week. When I was done, I pushed it into the ashtray like I have a million times before, said my goodbyes, got into the car and left.

It felt odd. It didn't taste bad, like some ex-smokers told me it would. More so, it felt like the first time I ever smoked. Strangely foreign, but not unpleasant. I didn't cough or anything (it's only been a week so far), but I guess you could say if anything, it was a bit of a disappointment. Kinda like really liking a girl for the longest time only to find out that she's not really all that.

On the way home after that, a million thoughts and feelings were racing through my head. Confusion, relief, frustration and of course, guilt. I started to analyze what i was feeling.

Why did I pick it up? I don't really know. I was not feeling particularly stressed or depressed in any way. In fact, if you ask me now why I did it, I can't really pinpoint any one particular reason.

But I can say one thing. I started noticing the changes in my body after i took it. And this was in a way, quite educational.

• My mouth was dry and tasted burnt. This is a sensation that I've been used to for ages, but I've never noticed it as intently as i did 30 minutes ago.
• My fingers were tingling. This was a neutral sensation, and matched with my entire body feeling like it was in a sorta daze.
• My throat felt that same layer of phlegm that i've gone a week without.
• My body felt relaxed/lethargic. I use those two words because I couldn't decide whether it was a good or bad thing. For sake of my health, I'm gonna go with bad.

 

Also, for some weird reason, it has strengthened my resolve to pledge the next one month without a cigarette. Damnit, no more lapses. I'm not going to bother with post-rationalising this one, I'm just not gonna bloody smoke until mum's birthday.

And that's that.