Back on the wagon for 2010

Wow… how’s that for a cliffhanger? 6 months ago, my last entry was “It’s getting Dangerous”. Well guess what… it did. Big time.

I’m smoking pretty much everyday again, although it’s only one or two sticks. I suppose I could view that as some form of an improvement, but I’d like to think i’m a bit more ambitious than that.

I’ve got a packed schedule between that and NewYear, so let’s do the corny thing and make it into a New Year’s resolution. Anyone wanna bet against it (your odds might improve based on the size of your best)? Promise I won’t cheat.

Anyways, that’s it. midnight January 1st 2010, I light my last stick.

Pictures to come.

Yikes. It’s getting dangerous

I’ve been smoking.

Yup. Stealing one here, one there, and I’m teetering on coming back into the whole social smoking scene. I can’t even keep count anymore.

Not good.

First, let me get the excuses out of the way. As those of you close to me would know, it’s been a very taxing two weeks for me, both professionally and emotionally.

So yeah.

I know they’re just excuses, but I can tell you that the comfort of a puff is indeed quite comforting. Still, there’s a marked difference this time compared to other times i’ve tried to quit. Funnily, I’m still resolute on kicking the habit.

I just need to reassess myself and start again.

Gimme time.

One month, and it doesn’t look good

Ok, first things first. I made it to the one month mark. Yup, was mum’s birthday, and sure enough, she did a little not so subtle checking to see if I was still on the wagon.

“1 month and counting",” I told her confidently.

And the next day, I had a ciggy with my friends at Souled Out. Yup, it was just one, and I was resisting for about three hours prior to that, but one of them was half way through quitting as well, and she told me not to beat myself up about it, and just have one.

When I really think about it, I think she could really have been offloading a portion of the guilt to me, subconciously, not that I’m blaming her or anything. I mean, at the end of the day, I was the one who bit.

One month of non-smoking bookended by two sticks of Dunhill Lights.

And not even a week later, another. This time at Sunburst KL! I ran out of lollipops (why do girls always want lollipops from you and why do I keep offering them goshdarnit!?) and someone was rolling a ciggy.

I always said that switching to rollies was a good stepping stone to quitting, but the caveat is that for the past month, I haven’t seen a single person rolling a cigarette. Well, just so happens at Sunburt, my friend GaryJohn (who probably doesn’t even know that I’m trying to quit) was rolling up, so I ASKED HIM for one. Geez. It’s actually pretty embarassing.

Worse still, it was HARVEST! About the worst rolling tobacco there is.

Actually, that last part was a blessing in disguise. It tasted awful, not because I hadn’t smoked for a while (i smoked 5 days before, remember?), but because HARVEST is the cheapest, roughest, most godawful rolling tobacco money can buy.

So i smoked it to just a bit after halfway, and dumped it. Good riddance too.

 

So what’s to learn from all this?

Well, I lasted a month without much problem, so why give in now? Well, because I didn’t tell myself to last any longer. After a month, I was already pretty happy with myself, so I just sorta lost the motivation to stop.

And lemme tell you, it’s not like the cravings stop. Physically, they do, but mentally, you still wonder at how easy it would be to just light one up to kill that itch.

So the lesson here is, I need goals. Same as everything in life. So here’s the goal.

TWO MONTHS from today.

May 23rd.

Here we go.

Another one bites the ash

Just found out yesterday that my fellow quitting buddy, Anna, has started smoking again. Worse still, she's not under any illusions about it, and has started back to full-on, buying her own cigarettes. I always thought that if you started again, you'd pinch a few first to see how it goes, disillusion yourself further, then go the full monty.

If you've read my earlier posts, you'll know that Anna was the one that got me thinking about quitting in the first place. She quit on New Year's Day, whereas I quit on Chap Goh Meh (End of Chinese New Year). So in effect, she's lasted aaaaalmossst 3 months. I've barely made it past a month, and I've already had a lapse.

I was actually planning on posting up some tips to help others quit, but I guess if there's one thing this is teaching me, it's that I'm not out of the woods yet.

To be honest, the news of her quitting quitting, made me think for a moment that starting again wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. Right now, despite having gone without a cigarette for three weeks (since my lapse), I'm currently suffering the worst cough I've had in a long time, and it doesn't seem to be going away. About the only benefits right now I can think of are that my voice isn't as rough, and that i have alot more space in my pockets.

That's why I'm waiting for this damn flu to end, so I can experience all the so called wonders of not smoking. Will keep you guys updated.

My 5 reasons for quitting

1. My voice is my wallet - As some of you might now, i make quit a nice bit of income slutting my voice out to the advertising industry. Lately, I've gotten comments that it's a bit rougher than usual. I also find myself getting the flu more often than i should. Ironically, since I quit, I've had a stuffed nose in the first week, and a sore throat in the second. Am trying to think positively.
2. I'm a hypochondriac, so not smoking is one less potential cause for dying - Ever since i contracted Pseudomonas Aeruginosa and spent 6 months of my life coughing blood, I've never trusted my body completely. Every little ache, pinched nerve or bad flu compels me to do a symptom search online. As you can imagine, this tends to happen to smokers more.
3. I wanna use my real name at Pushmore - Ok, normal gyms are bad enough, but with those, you can just raise your treadmill speed by two notches when you see a good-looking girl passing by. With Pushmore, my new crossfit gym, you're given daily challenges, and your time/maximum reps are put on a whiteboard for everyone to see. Right now, my name on the charts is usually "Alice".
4. My teeth are bad enough already - I already have teeth at funny angles, not to mention yellowing and staining. And the staining is much much worse with cigarettes. Lately, they have been cleaner, so there's a good sign.
5. Sometimes (especially in Singapore), I feel like an outcast - Well frankly, this was one of the reasons I gave myself when I quit, but i think you only start noticing just how bloody many of your friends smoke when you quit. I suppose it still applies to Singapore, where they make smokers feel like leper handicaps.

Spliffs are not Fags

uh huh.

Faltered

Today was just another day. I helped a damsel in distress in the morning, slept a bit, and then headed out to lunch and my monthly meeting with my fellow entrepreneurs from the CEO roundtable.

They had their smoke breaks, and I stayed inside, sucking on an XXL Chupa Chups. Yup, felt the need, but chose not to capitalise on it. After that, I went for a voice over audition at Purplehaus studio, and found myself outside with the guys, as they smoked and chatted.

And then I reached for one. It was a pack of Dunhill Lights, and it was right next to my hand.

And I lit it. I won't lie... I smoked it right to the bud, and talked to the guys outside like I used to before last week. When I was done, I pushed it into the ashtray like I have a million times before, said my goodbyes, got into the car and left.

It felt odd. It didn't taste bad, like some ex-smokers told me it would. More so, it felt like the first time I ever smoked. Strangely foreign, but not unpleasant. I didn't cough or anything (it's only been a week so far), but I guess you could say if anything, it was a bit of a disappointment. Kinda like really liking a girl for the longest time only to find out that she's not really all that.

On the way home after that, a million thoughts and feelings were racing through my head. Confusion, relief, frustration and of course, guilt. I started to analyze what i was feeling.

Why did I pick it up? I don't really know. I was not feeling particularly stressed or depressed in any way. In fact, if you ask me now why I did it, I can't really pinpoint any one particular reason.

But I can say one thing. I started noticing the changes in my body after i took it. And this was in a way, quite educational.

• My mouth was dry and tasted burnt. This is a sensation that I've been used to for ages, but I've never noticed it as intently as i did 30 minutes ago.
• My fingers were tingling. This was a neutral sensation, and matched with my entire body feeling like it was in a sorta daze.
• My throat felt that same layer of phlegm that i've gone a week without.
• My body felt relaxed/lethargic. I use those two words because I couldn't decide whether it was a good or bad thing. For sake of my health, I'm gonna go with bad.

 

Also, for some weird reason, it has strengthened my resolve to pledge the next one month without a cigarette. Damnit, no more lapses. I'm not going to bother with post-rationalising this one, I'm just not gonna bloody smoke until mum's birthday.

And that's that.

Chicketty China, the Chinese Chicken!

Yup! It's been one week! We have established our first target! One week without cigarettes! No lapses, sneaked puffs... nothing.

Just a few occasional glances, one or two sleepless nights, and lots of moral ping pong in my head. Last night especially, I was swaying wildly, with the most intesnse craving I've had so far. post rationalising is for chicks, but I found myself pre-rationalising last night while at Beercamp.

"Y'know what, if you smoke tonite, it'll be additional drama for the blog dude! You'll get lots of hits, and be sponsored by ChupaChups!"

I really did pick one up from my friend' Cheryl's pack.... but grudgingly put it back in when she reminded me that I'd promised a week on my blog, and it would be a horrible shame to give in just 4 hours before I could sing Barenaked ladies.

 

Yes!

 

Ok, now I can actually hear the sound of eyes rolling as some non-smokers are reading this.

 

"What's the big deal? One week oni la... you say one year then ok la..."

 

You obviously have not been hooked to cigarettes before. I can tell you this is one of the most discouraging things that smokers are going to hear. That one week isn't a big deal.

This is not to blow my own horn, but for the benefit of anybody out there who's trying to quit. One week of cold turkey from 15 sticks a day is a big fucking deal.

 

• It's a daily battle against no one but yourself.
• It's resisting temptation when it's right in front of you. 100 times a day.
• It's a daily routine with a sense that something's missing every 15 minutes.
• It's being restless in bed.
• It's making sure you buy enough lollipops before you go out clubbing.
• And it's trying to convince yourself that you're doing something good and significant.

 

So when people hoopah you and say it's no big deal, it's the shits. Just so you know. Don't EVER say that to someone trying to quit. Instead, here are a few better alternatives.

 

• "Dude, you are the coolest dude i know!"
• "Oh my god, your determination is so sexy"

 

Or, if you're not THAT impressed, a simple "I'm happy for you" or "Congrats" would be better. I'm sorry to all the people I've dissed before. I know now how you feel.

So... Time to set another target then. Let's go for 1 month! Coincidentally, the date a month from now is March 15th, which will be my mum's birthday. She has repeatedly mentioned that the present she hoped for was that I would quit smoking.

So here goes.

PS: Yes, of course I'll still buy her something on top of that.

Day Five: I miss you

The immediate cravings are gone now. Most times, I can pretty much go about my day without wanting a cigarette. As a consequence, I can now recite every flavour of Chupa Chups. As a word of caution, do not get Peaches and Cream - it is just not a good idea for a lollipop. My current favourite is Cherry.

A non-smoker friend recently asked me to go easy on the lollies and choose some other healthier alternative, suggesting everything from carrot sticks to chewing gum. Well, I guess non-smokers probably won't understand, but the lack of something to do with your hands is perilous for a quitter. These lollipops are saving my life right now. I'll cut down on the sugar in a coupla months.

No more munchies cravings either. Pretty much back to normal appetite. It hasn't heightened my sense of taste or smell just yet cos I've been having a blocked nose since the weekend. Many ex-smokers tell me this is quite normal. They also tell me alot of different things like "once you make it past the first 2/5/30 days, you're fine!" or "it gets worse before it gets better". I guess if there's one thing i've learnt...

Rule#1 - Each quitters journey is different, so don't pay too much attention to what others say.

Rule#2 - Your reasons for quitting are personal as well, which leads me to believe that bets and pacts probably don't work as well as they should (although if you want to try this anyway, refer to Rule #1).

One thing I can tell you, is that after the cravings are gone, it gets emotional. Today I had lunch with AnnaRina, the friend I was supposed to quit with at New Year. She recently had a lapse and smoked half a stick with her sister. I probably shouldn't have asked, but I did.

Me: "So how'd it feel?"

Anna: "It tasted bad, like i expected, but also very comfortable... EeeeeeeeEee... I don't wanna talk about it. Change subject!"

I swear at that point, I wanted to buy a pack right there and then. It didn't help that these two acquaintances at the next table offered me cigarettes like 3 times (just to be dicks, really). But again, I held fast, and after a while, my mind got distracted with other things.

That's the thing really... now that I'm physically off it (at least i think so), it's only the missing it that's left. That emotional connection to the relaxation of a cigarette is a tempting mistress. I can honestly tell you that my mind is still looking forward to an occasional cigarette when I'm on holiday somewhere. However, another part of my mind also tells me that this is exactly how i got back into it after my last attempt to quit.

<reminisce>

This was back in uni in 2000, and I was in Melbourne. Cigs were bloody expensive, so during one particularly bad flu, I stopped buying cigarettes. Soon after, I stopped smoking them altogether, only pinching the rare one every two or three weeks. These gaps became months, and then I took a quick trip to The Gold Coast with my mates. AS you'd expect, more than half were smokers so i told myself that i'd allow myself to smoke on the trip, and after, stop just as I had started. Problem was, at the end of the trip, I still had half a pack left.

For those who know me, you'll also know one of my main traits is that i hate wasting things. In hindsight, I should probably have just thrown em away, but I didn't. I kept them, and worse, rationed them over the following week.

Less than a month later, I was back to a pack a day.

</reminisce>

So maybe it's not such a good idea to smoke on holiday. Well, we'll see. The problem as someone who's ever smoked more than a pack before is this:-

You know the physical addiction will end. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. You know the benefits as well. But...

You don't know when you'll stop missing it. Some people say you never do. That's scary. To me, it's like your favourite food in the whole world, and telling yourself that you can never eat it again. Even typing that makes me feel like smoking right now. The only difference is that this dish is incredibly addictive, and will soon get you back into physical addiction.

Still haven't figured out an answer to this one yet. I will though, and I'll let you know once I do.

Almost a week now. Tomorrow will be the real test. The horridest non-holiday for single people... Valentine's Day.

After that, it'll be a week as a non-smoker. *tentative whee!*

Day One - Testing 1 2 3

Nicotine's like an ex girlfriend. I'm not by any means exaggerating when i say that my whole night was tossing and turning about dreams of smoking, the good times, and the bad times ahead. Rejecting cigarettes from friends and feeling fucked up, all the quiet fags late at night to gather my thoughts, and for some reason, dreaming i hooked up with an old classmate of mine (totally random).

They all came flooding back to me last night, and when I woke up, I felt like Nicotine was not playing bloody fair. This was a good mindset. It's almost like good versus evil.

Went out for lunch with a buddy that's been smoking with me for a long time. He suggested Kanna Curry house. Eventhough we've enjoyed many a cigarette there before, I decided that the same could be said for any place, so I need to eat anyway.

After our satisfying lunch, he immediately reached for his pack of Kents, and I'd be lying if my hand didn't twitch just a little in response.

I held fast. He was saying something about the poker game the night before, but my mind was just trying not to think about the beautiful cigarette in his hand. He dumped it and soon reached for another.

Again, the hand twitch, although softer this time.

Now I actively tried to listen to him, and found myself carried by the conversation. I went with it, and the feeling subsided. *whew*.

The day wasn't so bad. my programmer came over to work on foldees.com as usual, and soon it was dinner time.

After dinner though, i met up with some people for an open house (still 1 day left to CNY so everyone's getting it out of their systems). In that group, at least 60% were smokers, but they went out in couples. Each one was a temptation but i resisted. I knew that this would be nothing compared to where i would be in two hours time.

Every year, we make a homage to Benny's house. He lives alone in SS2 and it's a smoker's haven. Free-flow of booze, plentiful ashtrays and only one non-smoker. That's partially because the main reason we go there is for high-stakes poker.

I first stopped by 7-11 to get my meds - 5 lollipops and a packet of chewing gum (which you see in the opening picture. Note the chewed ends). With a strong resolve, I headed over.

When i first got there, the sweet smell of Dunhill menthols came wafting through. It didn't tear my eyes like it does every year. Instead, I really wanted one. One of the regulars even threw a cigarette at me, asking me to quit quitting.

But i resisted. And I just got back home (200 bucks richer too!). After what's been my first harrowing 21 hours of not smoking. Damn. I hope tomorrow's easier.

My new resolution? Everytime I'm in a high pressure smoking environment, I'm bringing ChupaChups for backup!

That's a wrap

It's 4.46am now, and I've just given all my leftover lighters to my friend (ironically the friend that *sorta* got me started smoking in the first place).

It feels apropos that I should share my 2nd last cigarette ever with him. I'm a big fan of symbolism, and I guess that's as symbolic as it gets.

Did i say 2nd last?

 

Hahah.. yup... I left myself just enough to roll myself one more. Everything else related to cigarettes is in that picture above, soon to be waiting for the lucky (unlucky?) trashman who comes in the morning.

For once, the thought of my last cigarette ever doesn't seem to bother me as much. I think more than any time i've ever tried to quit before, I'm probably more mentally prepared than ever this time.

How it started was that I was supposed to quit with my buffest female friend ever. She quit on New Year, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Congrats Anna!

At the same time, I was reading a book called "Quit Smoking", which my parents bought for me some time last year. It doesn't really tell you anything new about the process, but I think it sort of wishful thinking, in that by reading the book, I was making a real move in the right direction.

Fast forward to the first week of Chinese New Year (15 days ago),  when i was visiting my relatives the whole day, and thus not smoking the whole day, I didn't really notice the fact that hadn't had one for the better part of 23 hours.

So I made the decision. At my annual CNY shindig, I would puff my last puff and start this blog to chronicle my progress, and as a cathartic output for my expected frustrations in the days to come.

The weekend's also been extremely conducive for this huge step. On friday, I had my last smoke  filled night out and it was HORRIBLE. I went to Bar Sonic in Zouk, and the room was so filled with smoke that my nostrils are still clogged with gunk right now. On top of that, I started developing a sore throat which for the first time ever, I'm glad for. I've also just finished packing for my annual CN party, which i got to hang out with all my buddies, smoke with them, and won 200 bucks in poker in the process.

It's been a good night. And it feels right.

So here goes. I'm about to go for my last fag, and tomorrow, we'll take it one day at a time. I'm setting my short-term target for Next Sunday, 5am. A week without smoking can't be that bad right? Well, you guys will be the first to know.

Speaking of you, dear reader - I'd appreciate any input from fellow quitters to help me along, or for anyone who'd like to offer their thoughts.

I've read that telling yourself it's your last stick EVER can be incredibly demoralising, so let's start small - Ok, going for my last stick for a week....now.

 

Ok. I'm done.

Two days to go

Yup, I've decided.

This Sunday (Feb 7th 2009), I'm a gonna take out all evidence that I ever had that i was a smoker. This includes :-

• filters in the car
• metal rollers
• leftover paper
• shitty spanish cigarettes i bought, smoked once, hacked and never smoked again (circa 2005)
• 7-8 lighters that i didn't buy
• one lighter that i think i did buy cos it was in Foldees colors.
• an addiction that's causing me to type this blog with a pre-rolled cigarette in my mouth.

 

This does not include :-

• mildly yellowing teeth (at least until my next scaling)
• chronically dry lips
• countless facebook pictures of me puffing away
• this blog that will chronicle my quitting process

 

Speaking of the blog, this is my attempt at creating a hopefully cathartic outlet for me for my frustrations at quitting smoking. My firt order of business with the blog is to ensure you my absolute uncensored honesty. Even if i do start smoking again at some point, I will let you know.

To prove that to you, here's the honest truth of the moment.

 

As I am typing this, I have a cigarette in my mouth.

Yup. Gonna puff this one after i finish writing this. Since I have two days left, I might as well make full use of them right?

 

God. I hope I'm stronger when the time comes. Sheesh.